


Deep In the Fiction We Live

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, Points of View, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-07
Updated: 2004-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-27 04:09:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12073239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: The story follows two songs, "Autumn's Monologue" and "Deep In the Fiction We Live", both by From Autumn to Ashes.  Brian and Just get into an argument and Brian kicks Justin out.  The songs go along with their thoughts.  "Autumn's Monologue" for Justin, "Deep In the Fiction We Live" for Brian.





	Deep In the Fiction We Live

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

"Fuck, Justin, why do you have to act like such a pussy?"

"Why do you always have to condemn me for the way I am?"

The yelling had been going on for hours. The silent screams, and the ones that could be heard outside the loft, were killing each of them, but these things had to be said. Emotions were soaring and irrationality had taken over both of them.

"Get the hell out, Justin! I don't want you here."

The words struck the boy inside of him and his hurt showed through. Brian's expression was still cold, as usual. Without picking up anything, the blonde walked towards the door, took a deep, shaky breath as he put his hand on the knob, and quickly left with a firm slam.

"Oh why can't I be what you need, a new imporved version of me. But I'm nothing so good, no I'm nothing."

Justin walked down the hallway and silently sobbed. What had went wrong? He felt it was all his fault. He never said the right things, and who was he to think that Brian Kinney would fall in love, with him none the less. His heart ached and his tears showed it as he walked into the unknown.

"Just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs of violence, of love, and of sorrow. I beg for just one more tomorrow where you hold me down and fold me in. Deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins."

Lefts turned into rights, but they all seemed the samed to Justin. He didn't know where he was, or where he'd end up, nor did he care. He just walked, hands in pockets, thoughts in mind. He felt empty as every emotion rushed through him. He wanted to run back to the loft and wrap his arms around Brian and say he was sorry, but two things stood in the way of that. One, he knew Brian would say that sorry was for shit and two, he wanted to prove that he was stronger than that. So he kept walking, in what ever direction his feet took him.

"You might be just what I need. And no, I would not change a thing."

Brian just sat there for a moment. What had just happened? He suddenly got a feeling that made him want to vomit. He had just sent his Sunshine out, and now everything was turning gray. He couldn't just sit there and let the best thing in his life leave forever. "Fuck being strong...cruel, heartless, whatever they're calling it these days," he said to himself. He got up and glared at his cigarettes, passed them up as a distraction. His eyes drifted towards his keys, another distraction with all the terrible drivers. 'Besides,' he thought, 'I can see him better on foot.'

"I break in two over you. I break in two and each piece of me dies. And only you can give the breath of life, but you dont see me, you don't..."

Justin paused for a moment. His surroundings told him nothing but a place to sit for a while. Sitting was no better than walking. His fight with Brian was still fresh on his mind. With his head in his hands, Justin cried like he had just lost himself. Secretly, he wanted Brian to just show up and tell him that everything was going to be fine. He felt foolish for even thinking it.

Brian started walking, which turned into a run to reach the outside. Hatred for himself was rushing through him for telling Justin to leave. He stopped and wondered which way Justin would've turned. Left seemed like a good option, but now, either way seemed like a good option as long as he found Justin. The only thing he could think of was finding him and wrapping his arms around the boy. He didn't care how long it took, he would search all night and all day. "Where did you go, Sunshine...?" he sighed under his breath. 

"Here I'm in between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights, where I'm tossing and turtured till dawn by you. Visions of you, then you're gone."

Justin realized he was crying uncontrollably now. The people that were walking by were giving him strange looks and he could feel it. He decided the bench was no longer of use to him, so he got up and began on his destinationless journey. He consumed himself with his thoughts of Brian again. Kissing Brian, laying in his arms at night, silent screams, and ones that pierced strait to his heart. There was extremely good, and extremely bad in Brian, yet Justin loved him, loved him knowing he'd never hear it back.

"The shock lifts the red from my face, when I hear someone's taken my place. How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel, when all, all that I did was for you?"

The more he walked, the more Justin's thoughts killed him. He saw the different tricks prancing around town and figured that Brian had already picked one up to screw off his frustrations. Even though they had an open relationship, it still killed him to think of his love with someone else. He never knew he could hurt this deep over a person, over Brian. Everything he had fought for was thrown away by carelessly thought out words. Words he wished he could take back.

"Been dreaming of this so long, but we only exist in this song. The thing is, I'm not worth the sorrow, and if you come to meet me tomorow, I will hold you down, fold you in. Deep, deep, deep in the fiction we live."

Brian lost himself as he hastily searched for Justin. This was the first time he had thrown all reservations aside and allowed himself to feel the same way Justin did. There was no turning back after this. The old Brian Kinney, the one who didn't give a shit about any particular trick, would be no more once he found Justin. "If I have to give it all up, I will, just bring him back to me," he mumbled to himself, hoping some higher power was listening. "How did I get this far? And how did he get so deep in me?" Talking to himself seemed to soothe his nerves as much as they could be soothed. A blonde, but not Justin. The butt was too flat and the walk was all wrong. Brian smiled as he realized how well he knew Justin and then kept frantically searching.

"I break in two over you. I break in two as if a piece of you dies."

Justin stopped again. There was no bench in sight, so he just sat on the curb. Everthing inside of him seemed to crumble. He kept asking himself why hadn't he put up more of a fight when Brian told him to leave, but he knew why, Bian wouldn've made him leave anyway. He had lost and somehow, the empty street was comforting. No one there to shoot strange faces; no one to step on him; no one to try to pick him up. Just silence, and his mind. This would be his evening, ripped in half, assessing what he would do next with his life.

Brian kept searching in all the obvious places for Justin, with no luck. "Where are you?" he whispered to himself. He needed a quiet place to think. Maybe if he just sat and thought, the answer would come to him. He held back tears and pasted the fake, Brian Kinney cold stare on his face. Anyone catching him in his current state could ruin his reputation forever. He turned onto an empty street corner and froze in his tracks, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him.

"And only you can give the breath of life, but you don't see me, you don't..I would break in two for you. Now you see me; now you don't. Now you need me; now you don't."

Justin wept uncontrollably now. He wanted to erase the memory of the events of the evening, but he knew it would all be the same when morning came. He would be alone, empty, and just a memory. "Face it, it was all you; you never meant as much to him as he meant to you," he told himself. The tears just kept rolling down his red stained cheeks as he longed for a comforting face. He feared standing up because that would mean the realization that it was over, knowing he was going to have to sleep somewhere else, without Brian next to him. He stood anyway, but nearly fell back down when he looked up. Obviously wishfull thinking, but did wishfull thinking look that good?

"Autumn, I will bring you back to life. Of course I see you, I do..."

Brian clammered to regain the use of his limbs. There, standing to his feet, right in front of him, was who he had been looking for all night. Tears streamed down his face as he moved towards him as collected as possible. He saw Justin's eyes widen at his sight. He had had the same reaction. Brian walked up to Justin and the two embraced each other with such fervor as like nothing before. Brian pulled away and looked into Justin's red, puffy eyes, sure his looked the same. "Sorry's are for shit, Sunshine. Please, just come home."

Justin thought that he was dreaming as he took in Brian's words. "Is this real," he thought. He had read somewhere that if you wanted something to happen bad enough, you would hallucinate and actually think it was happening. The feel of Brian's warm touch told him that it wasn't a dream.

Brian grabbed Justin's hands and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Let's go home, Sunshine." "Home" sounded like such a good word, to both of them. The night ended as the broken in two became the mended back into one; as two souls intertwined into the perfect one; as love conquerred all.


End file.
